Who am I living for?

I used to be insecure & shy. I wasn't cute or "hot" or beautiful. I was the dorky girl who everyone felt obligated to be nice to or they thought I might burst into tears. The girl who got upset when people would pick on the weird kids. (I WAS one of the weird kids though) I was 4'9 until 9th grade & skinny enough to fit inside of my half-locker. (of course I tried... I was curious. & hopefully my old friends who were with me are reading this & remember hahaha) I was completely afraid of boys, but I was crazy about them... secretly. I was that girl that the popular jerks thought was really smart, so they would ask to copy my homework, only to realize that I sucked just as bad as they did at math. I mean come on people... just because I had super thick lens glasses didn't mean I was a super brain! It just means I had/have terrible eye-sight. My pants never fit me. I was always envious of the girls with filled out butts or "apple bottom jeans" in jr. high. I was barely holding up my double 0 hollister pants with a DIY "extra belt holed" belt. "just make another belt hole with a knife!" -my mother would always say... which always led to high-waters as well. & although you might be wondering why I'm complaining about being skinny when I was younger, I do have a point... just let me get to it. I was picked on a lot in my younger years. I have a hard time writing this because it really wasn't the best time of my life. I'm actually in tears just thinking about it. haha which seems totally ridiculous I realize... but it could be that it's almost 5 in the morning & I've been up all night for no reason at all. I wouldn't talk in class unless I was tattle-tailing to the teacher about Dillon Simmons or Sage Durango. haha or unless I was with my best friends. (in that case you couldn't shut me up!) I got this brand new hello kitty purse stolen in the 6th grade once. It was full of Christmas money, new perfume, and other little gifts. I knew exactly where I left it, came back, noticed the "popular girl" had it underneath her bottom on her chair, and I couldn't stand up for myself. So I turned around and left... in pure fear that she might think I was a loser for asking for my purse back. The "cool girls" would make fun of me often. I wouldn't say much because I feared that saying something back would make me look like even more of a dork. The boys were the worst though. When the boys would make fun of me I felt so stupid. I would act like they were immature & it didn't affect me... but it sure did. I would walk the halls with my head down. I would stare at shoes and carpet all day long just because I feared humiliation. I was always picked last in p.e. classes for sports teams. haha sounds like a sad movie or something. When I liked a boy, I would tell one of my friends that THEY should like him. I was so nervous that he wasn't going to like me, so I made sure that my friends would take advantage of the situation instead. I was insecure. I was in band. hahaha I played the flute. I had wonderful friends though. If it weren't for them I don't know where my life would be right now, honestly. From first grade until now I have always had amazing friends influence my life. I am sooo grateful. I remember when I was a sophomore & I had just quit gymnastics. My mom informed me that I would either try out for cheer or get back into gym. So I decided to try out for the Payson high cheer team. It was so out of my ordinary that it scared me. I remember all of my friends telling me that if I became a "cheerleader" I would change & they wouldn't like it. Sure enough I changed my group of friends and became a whole different person. I sat in jock hall, I dated "jocks", & I acted snotty. I was not myself. Sure, I would still be friendly to everyone when I passed them & make sure to say hi often to others... but I was not the same. A sense of confidence, no.... Pride grew inside of me. I became "popular". Don't get me wrong, I loved cheering & I loved all of my new friends, they were really great! (the popular kids actually weren't as mean as I thought once I started to fit in with them) I guess that's just how it works though. You have to fit in to be accepted. You have to fit a certain mold to get noticed. It's such a joke. Still to this day I find myself waking up & wondering what I can do or wear to impress people. I find myself asking if someone will think I am dumb or weird for doing this or that. Why must we conform in order to feel normal? Who are we living for? Ourselves? or everyone around us? The constant pressure to be someone that we aren't is a daily challenge for everyone. Being your true self is one of the hardest things to do, but if you can accomplish that, you are headed to happiness. If it is possible to realize that WE dictate our own lives, and not others, we can achieve joy.

Who am I living For? Katy Perry

I can feel a phoenix inside of me

As I march alone to a different beat

Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled

Suiting up for my crowning battle

This test is my own cross to bear

But I will get there

It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called

Standing on the front-line when the bombs start to fall

I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames

Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the end of it all

Who am I living for?

I can feel this lightness inside of me

Growing fast into a bolt of lightning

I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favor like Esther

I need your strength to handle the pressure

I know there will be sacrifice

But that's the price

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down

Heavy is the head that wears the crown

Don't let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah

I can see the writing on the wall

I can't ignore this war

At the eh-end of it all

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

At the end, at the end

Who am I living for?

FUN FACT: you know the "don't laugh at me, don't call me names, don't get your troubles from my pain" song? hahaha I had to sing that in elementary school on stage & hold a poster that said 'the little girl with glasses, the one they call a geek.' so basically my school was trying to enforce a no bullying rule by bullying kids to hold labeling signs. but it's okay, I just laugh about it now. at the time I just thought it was so cool to be involved in an assembly hahaha

RUN. run your heart out.

"You're off to great places. Today is your day. Your mountain is waiting. so get on you way." -Dr. Suess

Everyone has a mountain... or twelve. You can do one of two things: sit at the bottom & complain about it, or get off your sorry bottom & climb it with a smile on your face. I can't run. that's a fact known to all mankind mmmk? Like I'm pretty sure I know of 80 year olds that can run better than I can. Lately I've been trying to run at least one mile each day. Some days I run 4, some days I can barely run 1. & some nights, when the weight of the world is on my shoulders & I feel like I hate everyone, I can run 6 or 7. haha It just depends. (sometimes we end up just running to maverick for sodas... but hey at least we tried.) For some reason when I'm running through frustrated tears murmuring to myself the entire way, I seem to do better...? I guess I feel like I am multi-tasking while I'm running... you know? getting over a couple "mountains" at the same time? When I'm running I have time to clear my mind. I think about the things that are going on in my life. I think about where I would like my life to go, why I'm not good enough & where I went wrong. I have time to think about the problems in my own life that need to be solved. They say running is cheaper than therapy. Now that's a statement I live by. We all have our problems. How we solve them is up to us. & our attitude towards them is up to US. No, we aren't all perfect. Sometimes I throw fits & act like a 2 year old girl when faced with a problem... (alright, most of the time..) but I know how I could & should handle things. It's just a matter of what we do. It's a matter of how we react to a certain text message, fight with a friend, less than happy news, or menstrual cramps. We all have our mountains. How will we chose to climb them? How will we decide to handle the many curve balls life throws at us? What will you do with your mountain? How will you climb it? It's all up to you.
oh p.s. conference was WONDERFUL. hearing the words of our church leaders is always a comforting event.